changes schmanges

in all my years of existence, I've never experienced insomnia. until last night. apparently coffee now works really well in keeping me awake. I've switched to decaf for my twice a day dose of coffee, so last night when i had real grownup brewed coffee, i was up till 4am. *droopy eyes* now it's 1030am, and I'm not sleepy anymore but my head's heavy like a baby. 

so there goes my rant about switching to decaf, but gail can't be prouder. he has turned into a big advocate of not being caffeine-dependent; i sense a slight satisfaction in him about my insomniac bout last night, it being proof that caffeine is now foreign to me.

going decaf is a big change for me, among other things. how's everybody? 

back when my hair was shorter and my body more tolerant of caffeine

one zuihitsu

(a blog entry i posted in multiply, back in 2008.)

AGAINST LOGIC

God works amazingly beautiful and beautifully amazing. He takes us by surprise and gives us presents we never thought we would get. But we take them, with much thankfulness and awe. After that a question might be asked, “What do I do God? With this gift?” The answer does not really need to be waited for, because we know that we would find a way to use whatever God gave to glorify Him. So amid wide-eyed amazement, things are rationalized and used so that the world would understand. The love God gives to each of us is personal and almost unfathomable. But we understand, and we share that.

I REMEMBER

I remember one person told me, “You’re waiting for a fairy tale,” and I immediately answered, “Ya I am.” After hearing such, I was dismissed as someone who would live my life with my hands on my face and my eyes to the sky. I am a believer in destiny, in someone for someone.

WHY I LIKE ROCK

I have heard the best, most socially-relevant lyrics in songs that have “loud and noisy” music. Amid the mind-boggling, messages emanate. That is music.

REALITY

Like a squeezed heart

Slowly loosened

By the hand

That has held it forever

Is my squeezed heart

Slowly loosened

By the hand that has held it forever.

IT’S BEEN AGES

It’s been ages since I wrote a song. Maybe because I’ve been hearing music even without the radio on. *buzz buzz*

I’M A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!

You never stop learning. You get satisfied, then disappointed. You have to choose to get up and work. It’s a beautiful cycle that you go through. Before you know it, you’re high above your old self.

PERFECT GOD

God has this perfect way of keeping His relationship with us. When you’re on the edge, you draw closer. And just before you fall, He responds. Generally, it’s when you’re on your knees. You see His glory and highness – the very thing that makes you hold on to the truth that is salvation. It happens every single day. I want that. I want to get saved every day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Every single day.

ps: Zuihitsu is a genre of Japanese literature consisting of loosely connected personal essays and fragmented ideas that typically respond to the author's surroundings. The name is derived from two Kanji meaning "to follow" and "brush", and thus works of the genre should be considered not as traditionally planned literary pieces but rather as casual or randomly recorded thoughts by the authors. (thank you wikipedia, and that's our literature lesson for the day.)

senti mode

i asked gail to play rivermaya's 214;  i missed listening to it and i wanted to sing it loud. hehe. so he lined up rivermaya songs for the rest of our working day. i heard 20 million again for the first time in a loooong time. it blew me away! when did i last listen to this song?! this used to be a favorite, and it immediately sent strong emotions I've never felt in a long time. suddenly, nostalgia. college days, joyful days, super sad days, days so far from today.

we move on. people around us move on. sorry for being sentimental, I'm blaming the winds and rain, but people, where are we? where are the songs we used to listen to? why don't we hang out anymore? why don't i play guitar anymore? why don't i sit down to write poems anymore? argh. its tough to think about such things. like grasping the air for a hug, it's just not possible to go back through time. we move on. 

I'm all ok with that, but i hope sometimes i can go back. sometimes. like today, when i want to hang out with my college friends in lb and eat twister fries. twister fries! such a significant food for me. i think ill cry at my first bite of twister fries. hay. 

is it weird that i find all sorts of symbolisms in gail's gesture of buying me army navy's FREEDOM fries when i asked him to buy twister fries (there was no mcdo in his route home)? may kasama pang cream cheese para makagawa ako ng aking favorite cracker dip. hehe.

ps: here's rivermaya's 20 million, for your reference. if you don't find it good, gash what is wrong with you! 

home alone thoughts

i orginally wrote something that was really really long, but i dont fancy long blog entries, so here's a concise, reader's digest version of what i think about when im home alone. which is mostly everyday. like right now. 


after weeks of staying in the house and being rid of the need to wake up to the demands of an office, I'm now in some sort of a pit stop, where the following take place and take over my thoughts, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes as individual thoughts carefully placed in labeled capsules in my mind. 

1. i haven't blogged for ages. this comes from my late night bedtimes and late morning wakeup times. if before i would get to the office at around 8am and blog to crank up my sleepy mind for serious work to do, now i don't have such. i wake up at 10am and go "shucks i missed two hours of work. i better get to it fast." as a result, my blogging time is compromised. ill get around to it. 

2. we are now sort of running a business. all of gail's thoughts and energy are poured into this: foreveryday photography. he'd randomly call me from the other room and throw me a new idea, as if I'm always ready to hear them. when I'm pinning pins on Pinterest (i love that phrase btw), i seldom catch his drift and just go "yeah thats nice." ill get around to it. 

3. I've been fearful. its amazing how years of employment has molded me into this company-dependent person. i don't have healthcare anymore, what if i catch a virus tomorrow? that's one thought that never crossed my mind when i had healthcare, even though each and every day of the week i had to risk myself and my health by commuting, you know, when i actually had the chance to catch viruses. now I'm always at home catching nothing and giving viruses a hard time finding me in my room. 

4. God completes me. with everything that's been going on in the past months, with all the adjustments, risks and dives that I've been doing, i came to the realization that nothing else in the world can take away the real peace in my heart. you know how when youre alone you start to imagine things? the bad kind? well i did that one day and i thought of how a lot of other people are doing much better than i am in different aspects of their lives. i tried to imagine all the bad stuff that may happen to me. 

i felt a tiny bit of jealousy and a whole blanket of love, warmth and assurance from the truth that whatever happens whenever it happens wherever it happens, i have God and He has me in His hands. the peace isolated me from all my thoughts, it presented itself as the single possession that i know for sure will never be taken away from me. 

God steadied my heart, and i slipped out of my thoughts renewed, happier than ever. i didn't have to go some place, i didn't have to buy myself ice cream. God's amazing (and really healthy) that way.

ps: we're running a series in church called "That Thing You Do" where we talk about reading the Bible and how it should be our thing every single day. lets go!


ps: i found this video online (where else, right?) of a guy reading a one-star review from Yelp. it's hilarious! i hope he reads youtube comments next time, mas intense. :p