im not sure what this exactly means, but it's close to what i felt a couple of days ago when i received news that scared me to the point of sweaty hands and wanting to eat my way under my blanket on my side of the bed. nothing bad really happened, YET, but it was a close call and it shook my sitting-pretty self.
and minutes after hearing that news, gail's internet/pc got cut short. it was one of the most unsettling fifteen minutes of my life, and it pointed me to that one stable Rock that i have seemed to miss.
in between wanting to tell gail how could he restart his pc and disconnect from me while my hands were sweating because of worry and fear, and thinking of ways to give remedy to a situation, i was praying frantically (if thats even possible) to God. i just treated Him like a vendo machine. "God please do this."
i instantly got convicted, at the same time calmed down, by the realization that my reactions aren't at all reflective of a relationship that God wants to have with me. that's when it dawned on me that the thing that scared me wasnt as bad as i thought it was. that i can rest on the truth that God is in control. that losing one thing will never, even minutely, affect how much ive got because ive got Jesus.
i just learned that i cant control everything, that not everything happens according to plan and desire, that i can never be secure unless i look to God.
im learning to trust God more, to depend on Him more, to be stronger in the faith and to be stronger for my family.
i will learn much more, im looking forward for more humbling lessons that will bring me closer to God and not to anything else. they may not be pleasant, but i know that as a child of the King of kings, im in some serious training. world, bring it on. i want to make my God smile.
ps: im so blessed to have gail to train with. he's grounded and humble, and also very aware of God in our lives. thank you for listening to me and for always pushing me to pray and get closer to God. you are the bravest man i know. your birthday is far from over. ;)